Chuckles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba. Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” so she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, “Shingles.” The doctor asked, “Where?” Bubba said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ‘em?”

Bill and Sam

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. The he said, “For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?” Bill replied, “I have been in jail.” “Jail?” cried Sam. “What in the world for?” “Well,” Bill said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?” “Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?” “Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 81 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’ and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

My Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all! If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She’s such a b****.

More Blonde Jokes

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

****

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” The blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES:

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the one was name Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “HELLLOOOOOOOO……….,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs.”

Golf One Liners

Heard the one about the woman who was nervous about dinner? Her husband was out shooting golf and she didn’t know how to prepare them. (Good thing he doesn’t shoot craps).

Proof that golfers are self-abusive: Who else would spend that much time and effort on a game that spelled backwards reads “flog”?

Bumper sticker: Old golfers never die…. They just lose distance.

Golf and sex are just about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.

Jokes that Can Be Told in Church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said “Johnny, what’s the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Why I Can’t Shop at Wal-Mart Anymore

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse to this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s behind and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!!!!!

*************************************************

ADVERTISERS

Directory

Classified

Brian Simmons Springfield Mortuary Service

Batesville

Lamcraft

Federated Insurance