Chuckles

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?” The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?” From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Things You’ll Never Hear in A Western Movie

¨ I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!

¨ Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in a mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution

¨ Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.

¨ Let’s see….hardtack and pemmican..that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein and two starches.

¨ You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.

¨ That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmit who shot my therapist!”

¨ He was a strong man, a good marshal and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.

¨ Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?

¨ It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl; men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.

Life’s Plan

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?” “Yes,” said her friend, “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

Fantasy Island-Retirement Vacation

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief , he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you,” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman,. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem, “ replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing , she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink? “No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned , she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something, I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right? She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “ You’ve built a Golf Course?”

The Piano

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

Cow’s Horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me." “That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"