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Late Spring 2008
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Columns
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Chuckles Editor Note:
My apologies if anyone has been offended by jokes in this column Bubba’s Doctor Visit Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office
should appreciate this! Doesn’t it
seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly
line? Here’s what happened to Bubba. Bubba
walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.” so
she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have
a seat. Fifteen minutes later a
nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.” So
she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to
wait in the examining room. A half
hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, “Shingles.” So
the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram,
and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba
said, “Shingles.” The doctor
asked, “Where?” Bubba said,
“Outside on the truck. Where do
you want me to unload ‘em?” Bill and Sam Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam
didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got
worried. However, since the only
time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived,
so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
The he said, “For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to
you?” Bill replied, “I have been
in jail.” “Jail?” cried Sam.
“What in the world for?” “Well,”
Bill said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop
where I sometime go?” “Yeah,”
said Sam, “I remember her. What
about her?” “Well, one day she
filed rape charges against me; and, at 81 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pled ‘guilty’ and the judge gave me 30 days for
perjury.” My Living Will Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and
I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all!
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She’s such a b****. More Blonde Jokes There’s this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
“You ARE on the other side.” **** A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he
was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL
OVER!” The blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!” FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and the one was
name Timex. Her friend said,
“Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOOO……….,” answered
the blonde. “They’re watch
dogs.” Golf One Liners Heard the one about the woman who was nervous about
dinner? Her husband was out shooting
golf and she didn’t know how to prepare them.
(Good thing he doesn’t shoot craps). Proof that golfers are self-abusive:
Who else would spend that much time and effort on a game that spelled
backwards reads “flog”? Bumper sticker: Old
golfers never die…. They just lose distance. Golf and sex are just about the only things you can
enjoy without being good at them. Jokes that Can Be Told in Church Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life.” The
child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing
black?” Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him
$50.” The second boy says,
“That’s nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100.” The third boy says, “I
got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people
to collect all the money!” At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said
“Johnny, what’s the matter?” Little
Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side.
I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Why
I Can’t Shop at Wal-Mart Anymore Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was
about to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog. On
impulse to this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and
that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in
the hospital last time, but I lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter’s behind and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard! Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore!!!!! *************************************************
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