After Thoughts

I attended my annual high school scholarship meeting. A committee interviews those interested in scholarships for their college education. We determine who will receive the individual scholarships based on the potential graduates qualifications and interests. I have attended this meeting for many years. First, I was representative for the PTO (Parents-Teachers Organization) and now I attend for the scholarship that’s given in memory of my girls. It’s a bittersweet occasion. I’m glad to be helping the future college attendees and it’s great getting to know the kids a bit better. But it’s upsetting to me because I am prompted with a lot of “wonder what” thoughts.

“Wonder what the girls would have been doing if they were still living?” “Wonder if these children will be living long enough to complete their college education?” “Wonder what Amy was thinking when she was interviewing?” “Wonder what Laura would have been like in this interview?” I guess these are just the normal ponderings of a parent that lost a child, but it’s so frustrating to know that I will never know the answers to any of these questions. It is not really relevant whether I do or not, but it just leaves you with an overwhelming sad feeling.

Those same feelings are related to everybody’s losses. If your spouse has died and some milestone in your child’s life happens, you miss that person to share your joy. If your parent is no longer with you and you’ve accomplished something that would have made them proud, you tremendously miss their presence. So what is the solution to these voids and sadness? I do think there is one.

What there is—there is an adjustment. Yes, you adjust to the situation that might be missing someone and take joy in the present happenings. No, you don’t forget the missing person and yes, you feel sad, but life goes on. You treasure the memories that you have and look forward to future moments that will also become memories. But how do you tell someone that has recently lost someone about the future. Truly they don’t want to hear about it. So as funeral directors we just have to share their sorrow how it’s expressed and know that things will get better even though we don’t share that knowledge.

Loss will happen, some moments will be sad and some will be happy, but ultimately life goes on no matter what. We need to remember to help people in any way that we can.

About the author: Joanne Howard is the editor of The Dead Beat. She has been a licensed funeral director since 1992 with Pugh Funeral Home in Golden City, MO and also the aftercare coordinator. Much of her writing in this column is influenced by her loss of her two daughters Laura at age 10 in 1997 and Amy at age 19 in 2003. Any comments or questions can be directed to 417-537-4412, P.O. Box 145, Golden City, MO 64748 or email Joanne@thedead-beat.com.