Kenneth J. Doka

When ever we experience a loss, especially the death of a spouse, there is a great deal of business that needs to be done. This business interacts with our grief. It may complicate our emotions and reactions. For some, the intensity of grief may immobilize us. For others, the work of loss can be a motivator that gives a sense of meaning and purpose to our day.

As we take stock of ourselves, there are two questions that we need to ask. Have we done the work that a loss involves? And how does this affect our grief?

Whenever someone dies, there are tasks that must be completed. We may need to speak to an attorney if there is a will that needs to be probated or an estate that should be settled. We may have to notify different agencies such as Social Security to see if there are adjustments that need to be made. We may belong to unions or other fraternal associations that may provide benefits.

We may have to deal with other details as well. Titles on cars, personal property, or even deeds may need to change. We may wish to review our wills and insurance policies to assess if we need to change beneficiaries. We may have to review all our bank and investment accounts.

In short, there is a great deal of hard work that needs to be done, and done relatively soon.

Yet, all this work comes at a time when we are least ready for it.

Our energy levels may be low. Our emotions may be intense.

That is why the second question is so critical. It is not enough to assess what we must do. We need to understand how well we can do it.

If work becomes difficult, treat it like any other stressful situation. We do not need to do everything by ourselves. In some cases, an attorney or a trusted relative may assist or at least accompany us. Often funeral directors can assist us in applying for benefits and notifying Social Security. We can pace ourselves and prioritize what has to be completed in some speed and what can wait. We may want to reward ourselves—to schedule, for example, a quiet dinner with good friends or a day at a spa after a particularly stressful day.

And we may want to discuss not only what has been done but also the ways that it affects us. Talking about our responses to a support group, counselor, or confidant, provides an opportunity for us to vent and may yield solutions for problems that emerge.

Remember, there are some things that we can decide whether we even want to do. Cleaning out closets or personal possessions are individual decisions that each of us make differently. Jolene, for example, decided not to change her husband’s voice on their answering machine. It comforts her to hear his voice.

Some work does not need to be done.

Reprinted from Hospice Foundation of America Journeys. Journeys is published monthly by the Hospice Foundation of America, 1621 Connecticut Ave. , NW, #300, Washington, DC 20009– www.hospicefoundation.org., 1-800-854-3402. Annual subscription-$12.00.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Doka’s books include: Disenfranchised Grief; Living with Life Threatening Illness; Living with Grief: After Sudden Loss; Death and Spirituality; Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged; Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve; AIDS,Fear & Society; Aging and Developmental Disabilities; and Children Mourning, Mourning Children. In addition to these books, he has published over 60 articles and chapters. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of the journal Omega and editor of Journeys, a newsletter of the bereaved. Dr. Doka has served as a consultant to medical, nursing, hospice organizations, as well as businesses, educational and social service agencies. As Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, he assists in planning, and participates in their annual Teleconference. In 1998, the Association for Death Education and Counseling honored him by presenting him an Award for Outstanding Contributions to the field of death education. In March 1993, he was elected President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Dr. Doka was elected in 1995 to the Board of the International Work Group on Dying, Death and Bereavement and elected Chair in 1997. Dr. Doka is an ordained Lutheran Clergyman.