Kenneth J. Doka

Friends can be a great gift in grief. Sometimes they can be the greatest gift. Often family members may be too close. They not only feel our pain, they share it. After all, your sister may be the deceased persons wife, mother, daughter, or aunt. And while there is power in that sharing of memories, it can create distance. We may be too respectful of one-anothers relationships. We may even feel selfish, wondering how we can compare our grief to theirs. We may be reluctant to burden them, to add to their many stresses with our own needs.

That is why friends can play such a critical role. They are close to us, but perhaps not to the person who died. They can listen. They can offer care and support. They can be there in a way family members cannot. They bring their own gifts.

But what are these gifts? Over the years that I have counseled, I have often found many grievers were unable to recognize and acknowledge the gifts that their friends could offer. Our own expectations of what we needed to receive had little relationship to what friends could offer. Many times, I learned, we are disappointed because we do not acknowledge the gifts that our friends are able to offer. We wish something else.

One gift is listening. Some friends are great listeners. We can calleven at 3 AM in the morning and they well be honored that we choose to call them. They are always there to hear our heartfelt feelings, to be a sounding board as we struggle with new and old problems, and to value our need to explore our loss.

Another gift is doing. Some friends are great doers. They are always there to drive us to a support group, share our chores, and help us to adjust to a different life in the face of loss. When something needs to be done, they will do it!

There is a third gift as well: respite. Coping with grief is hard work; maybe the hardest work. With any hard work, we need time off. We need to take time from grief as we would need time from any stressful activity. These friends can offer that. They can provide safe company as we relax from our grief. We need not fear they will ask how we are doing; they will be relieved that we do not discuss it. They offer a night outrespite, and maybe even laughter and relaxation. That too is a priceless gift.

Our problem is that we may not understand the gifts we are offered. We expect our listeners to do and our doers to listen! We become frustrated that things are not done and we are not heard. We fail to appreciate the gift of respite seeing in the silence a lack of concern.

There is an exercise that I use with my clients. I ask them to list all their supporttheir friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and members of their faith communities. I then ask them to identify the listeners, doers, and respite persons. This exercise has two main goals. First it reminds us of how much support we may have. But second, it reminds us of the individual gifts that these persons could offer. . .gifts that we so sorely need as we grieve.

This article was originally printed in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, published by Hospice Foundation of America. More information about Journeys can be found at www.hospicefoundation.org or by calling 800-854-3402 and is published monthly by the Hospice Foundation of America, 1621 Connecticut Ave. , NW, #300, Washington, DC 20009. Annual subscription-$12.00.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Dokas books include: Disenfranchised Grief; Living with Life Threatening Illness; Living with Grief: After Sudden Loss; Death and Spirituality; Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged; Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve; AIDS,Fear & Society; Aging and Developmental Disabilities; and Children Mourning, Mourning Children. In addition to these books, he has published over 60 articles and chapters. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of the journal Omega and editor of Journeys, a newsletter of the bereaved. Dr. Doka has served as a consultant to medical, nursing, hospice organizations, as well as businesses, educational and social service agencies. As Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, he assists in planning, and participates in their annual Teleconference. In 1998, the Association for Death Education and Counseling honored him by presenting him an Award for Outstanding Contributions to the field of death education. In March 1993, he was elected President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Dr. Doka was elected in 1995 to the Board of the International Work Group on Dying, Death and Bereavement and elected Chair in 1997. Dr. Doka is an ordained Lutheran Clergyman.