Kenneth J. Doka

Rabbi Earl Grollman, a mentor and associate of Journeys, has commented that grief is as individual as fingerprints or snowflakes. Earl’s wise point is a reminder that each of us takes our own path as we journey with grief. Some of us take loss in stride, we may have sadness, but we quickly rebound. Others may have more intense reactions. Still others of us may find it difficult even to function at work or at home.

Our very manifestations vary. For some, grief may be experienced as waves of feelings. We may struggle with our emotions– guilt, anger, sadness, relief, loneliness. We may cry, withdraw or even rage. For others of us, our feelings may be more muted. Grief may seem more cerebral. We may think of this person—at times wistfully, other times taking comfort from these warm memories. We might find solace in keeping busy at work or somehow memorializing the person who died.

There are many reasons why our reactions and responses to loss are so different. We are different. We have our own set of experiences, our own spiritual beliefs, psychological makeup, physical health, and sources of support that make every response to loss unique.

We have our own set of cultural identities framed by our ethnicity, race, religion, social class, and even gender. These cultural identities also frame our grief reactions.

Our losses, too, are distinct. Some may be sudden and unexpected—even violent. Others may follow long illnesses yet still surprise us with the timing of the death. Others may be anticipated, or even welcomed as a relief to long suffering. Some losses may come at a time when we can focus on our grief and take care of our needs. Others may come one after another or at times in our lives when other things may compound our grief.

Understanding this individuality of loss reminds us of three important lessons. First, we should not judge our reactions against others. Marge was like that. Her two sisters were so emotional when their mother died. Marge wondered about her own comparative lack of emotion. Was she just colder? No, the answer was simply that she was different. We need not torture ourselves with such questions. We can’t always understand the forces that shape us and make us unique.

Second, we should not let others judge us. No one can tell us how we should be reacting or what we should be doing. Our grief is our own. We must own it—validating our own reactions for what they are. We should not feel guilty that we are not as strong or emotional as someone else. We each experience grief in our own way. Often our past experiences can be a guide, reminding us that the ways we coped in the past will often be predictive of the ways we now respond.

Finally, we will each find different sources of solace and comfort. For some, it may be the everyday activity of life—the rhythms of family, friends and work. For others, it may be in the comfort of a support group or a counselor or confidant. Still others may find value in reading materials that address the path ahead. After all, if our grief is different, what helps us will be different as well.

This article was originally printed in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, published by Hospice Foundation of America. More information about Journeys can be found at www.hospicefoundation.org or by calling 800-854-3402 and is published monthly by the Hospice Foundation of America, 1621 Connecticut Ave. , NW, #300, Washington, DC 20009. Annual subscription-$12.00.

Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., is a Professor of Gerontology at the College of New Rochelle. Dr. Doka’s books include: Disenfranchised Grief; Living with Life Threatening Illness; Living with Grief: After Sudden Loss; Death and Spirituality; Living With Grief: When Illness is Prolonged; Living with Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve; AIDS,Fear & Society; Aging and Developmental Disabilities; and Children Mourning, Mourning Children. In addition to these books, he has published over 60 articles and chapters. Dr. Doka is the associate editor of the journal Omega and editor of Journeys, a newsletter of the bereaved. Dr. Doka has served as a consultant to medical, nursing, hospice organizations, as well as businesses, educational and social service agencies. As Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America, he assists in planning, and participates in their annual Teleconference. In 1998, the Association for Death Education and Counseling honored him by presenting him an Award for Outstanding Contributions to the field of death education. In March 1993, he was elected President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Dr. Doka was elected in 1995 to the Board of the International Work Group on Dying, Death and Bereavement and elected Chair in 1997. Dr. Doka is an ordained Lutheran Clergyman.